On Crack
by Ivory Novelist
Summary: Hmm...let's see, profanity, drugs, alchohol, and suggestive themes...hehe, nothing graphic, u pervs! Have fun! Wheee! Oh, and this is AU, no dur...


Disclaimer: Not Mine- Dur.  
  
A/N: My first LOTR Parody.  
  
~*~  
  
On Crack  
  
Part I: Scene 1  
  
Legolas lies sleeping in Moria while Gimli, Boromir, Gandalf, and Aragorn are awake and the Hobbits are asleep. The Elf has fallem asleep with his headphones on AGAIN. You can hear the music, it's on so frikkin loud. He fidgets in his sleep, a sheen of sweat upon his face while his arms are crossed over his chest. A muffled groan earns the attention from the others who are awake, namely everyone except the Hobbits.  
  
" Oh, Aragorn ", the Elf murmurs in his sleep. " Oh, Aragorn. Eru! " The prince jerked involuntarily. His breath was ragged as he trembled. " Ai, Aragorn! ", he cried. He moaned. Fidget.  
  
The Dwarf sighed in annoyance, Gandalf rolled his eyes, Aragorn blushed. " Will someone PLEASE take his damn WASP CD away?!?!?!?!?! " Boromir said iratly.  
  
(( A/N: I found this song called Harder, Faster by some band named WASP. Don't know them, never listened to one of their songs in my life. I just found the lyrics and thought hell, this would be fitting for Legolas' music..hehe ))  
  
Scene 2:  
  
The night after Helm's Deep is won, everyone parties like hell, to be blunt. Aragorn sits outside the door to the Kings' hall, spread out and propped up comfortably, drunk as hell, a bottle of liquor held loosely in hand. He sits there with a smug, displaced grin on his face, as crickets dabble the otherwise quiet evening outside their chirping. Suddenly, the doors burst open and there is Legolas, swaying dangerously, also holding a bottle..He eyes Aragorn for a moment, as if trying to figure out who the fuck the guy is..And then once he does, he's a happy little Elf punk.  
  
" Aragorn ", he says, staggering. " What the..hell are you doing out here? "  
  
" Drinking, you fucker. What else? " the ranger answers good-naturedly.  
  
Legolas giggles absent-mindedly. " Wheeeeee.." He trails off as he spins around and stops in front of Aragorn again.  
  
" How much did you fuckin' drink, Elf- Boy? " Aragorn asked.  
  
" How the.hell.am I supposed to know? " Legolas replied airily. " I lost count an hour ago ", he added with a smirk. His eyes stray again, considering his attention span is about..2 seconds ( Legolas: Oh, look at the kitty. ) ...He looks at the sky and takes another drink, tipping his head back as the bottle touches his lips. Aragorn eyed him for a dizzy moment.  
  
" Fuck you, Legolas ", he spluttered. Legolas looked at him again with a " what the hell?" expression.  
  
" Fuck you too, Aragorn ", he replied and swayed again.  
  
" Fuck..everyone ", Aragorn said nearly fell over. Legolas shot forth and caught him, looping his slim arm in the man's. The next moment, they were both dancing with linked arms, singing some incoherent song about old fucks.  
  
Someone stumbled and fell, causing both to come down to the ground in a rolling heap. Legolas was laughing like hell, sprawled out on his back. Aragorn crawled over and sat slumped over him.  
  
Legolas looked up at him. " Are you God? " he queried.  
  
" Yes, Legolas ", Aragorn answered with a pause after. " I..am fucking Eru."  
  
The dude fell over onto the Elf, who omitted a " Wheeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!! Do you want some booze, God? "  
  
( Wheee!! Credit for the God bit goes to my dear Mermalair-Katie. . . *_* FEE!!!!! )  
  
Scene 3:  
  
Eowyn wandered the dark, quiet, and alcohol-reeking halls of Helm's Deep. The nosy bitch was looking for Aragorn because she was horny and really wanted to get laid. So off she frolicked down the halls looking for Aragorn, who would have been too drunk to resist a good fuck.  
  
Upon his room, the slut did come. She cracked the door open and her lusty glazed eyes widened when she saws figures in the dark.  
  
" Ohhhhh ", came the soft moan of an Elf. " Ohhhhhh." The bed creaked with the couple's moving. " Ai, Valar ", came the fair voice crying. The man, who she knew to be Aragorn, grunted. " Oh, my lord!" came the softer voice. The faceless Elf whimpered." Harder ", the same voice pleaded. " Harder, faster! " The being below arched back. Eowyn, being the slutty bitch she was, watched in fascination.  
  
" What the hell are you doing? " came a Dwarf's gruff voice. Eowyn spun around to find a very drunk Gimli swaying there. " You think Lord Aragorn and the Master Elf having a good fuck is a show for you? "  
  
Eowyn looked at him innocently and surprised. Aragorn was fucking Legolas?!?!?!?! She felt like throwing a 5-year old hissy fit. She wanted to fuck with her toy, damn it! Damn that Elf..  
  
" I did not know Lord Aragorn was that way." she said.  
  
" He's not ", Gimli said harshly and took another jolly swig. " He's a drunk fuck, is what he is. And the Elf too. They won't remember shit tommorow.."  
  
Eowyn began to say something but was cut off." Shut up, bitch! You're not drunk enough."  
  
Scene 4:  
  
While Eowyn and Gimli thought that premarital screwing was taking place in Aragorn's chambers, something quite different was actually happening..  
  
Aragorn sat on the edge of the bed massaging the archer's shoulders, which had been way too bloody tense after last night's battle. It wasn't his damn fault that his best friend had fallen asleep drunker than any Elf should be with his headphones on AGAIN. Damn that Wasp CD...  
  
Legolas lay on his stomach, the headphones booming as Aragorn released the tension in his shoulders. Lost in his own dreams which were spurred by the said Damn CD, he moaned and groaned as usual..  
  
~*~  
  
Wheee!!! My first parody!!!! It ain't done however! I still gotta get the Drug chapter!!! Wheeee!!!! *_* 


End file.
